A few interesting synchronicities inspired today's post. Some acquaintances in an online group I belong to have been discussing their experiences of depression, anxiety, and self-doubt in relation so their struggles with mental health, relationships, and careers. Yesterday, I offered my support and therapist's perspective to one guy who's really struggling, who has been struggling for years with depression. At the time it didn't feel especially significant or relevant to my own life.
This morning, I was chatting online with a long time friend and fellow therapist about depression, anxiety, and strong emotions. We talked about how strong emotions are transitory, and that no matter what negative emotion someone is experiencing, it's sure to change, especially if the person can keep an eye on the "big picture"--as opposed to getting stuck. As we chatted, I clicked over to another page to see what other friends were up to, and one of them had posted a quote by Jon Kabat-Zinn (love him!) which says, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf". The synchronicity occured to me and a light popped on in my mind, as I realized I have actually felt pretty stuck lately.
I noticed that I had been judging myself for (among other things) not doing any writing for some time--and that it's my negative self-talk which had been stopping me from writing. I would either avoid writing to avoid the anxiety of self-doubt, or I would start writing and then doubt myself into erasing it. When I had that insight, I started relating more to those other members of my online group, most of whom are artists/musicians/writers--and honestly I felt a little lucky and relieved that I had decided years ago not to try to make a living with my writing. But I also realized that no matter our profession or our lifestyle, and regardless of our relative levels of success, all of us at some point have some doubt or negative self-talk that can get us stuck or feel overwhelming. Creative endeavors seem to require the ability to be "in the zone" or to "go with the flow"-- in other words, to be truly engaged with what one is doing. As soon as we struggle against our experience, it's easy to get stuck.
I realized that a part of me had started to worry that "I may never feel creative or motivated again"--and when I heard my internal voice saying that, I literally chuckled at myself out loud at how out of proportion my thoughts and emotions had become to the reality of my situation. To apply the Kabat-Zinn quote, it was clear that I had at some point stopped "surfing" (and really even stopped "swimming"), and begun struggling against the "waves" of my self-judgment--and against the other life stressors I've had lately. I was finally able to relax a bit and let myself move toward "the shore"--which for me was seeing the big picture, and reminding myself of the many ways in which I'm actually free to relate to what's up in my life. My brain felt like it had a little veil of fog lifted off of it, and I felt ready to share my thoughts (rewarding myself with a delicious homemade mocha in return for putting down the first sentence).
The waves/surfing metaphor could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point. It's hard sometimes to remember (or take seriously when you are feeling something really intense), but in reality, the brain is physically unable to maintain a permanent state of anything--bad or good. I'm not saying that conditions like depression, anxiety, or mental illness aren't real, that they don't suck, or that they aren't at times long-lasting. But if you really pay attention, even if you feel depressed you will still have ups and downs around your own unique baseline. Even people with crippling schizophrenia have moments of lucidity and relative calm. It can offer some comfort or balance, when you catch yourself feeling negative, to focus on the fact that no matter how you feel in this moment, it is going to change--and likely much more quickly-- if you can find a way to accept it instead of struggling. I think the important thing is allowing the feelings to come, to flow, and then allowing them to go.
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