Sit. Stay.

I saw that cartoon yesterday, and in my desire to share it, I remembered how long it's been since I've posted a blog entry. The last year has brought enormous, at times overwhelming change to my life. We bought a new house and moved out of the city, I got pregnant, and three months ago we had a baby! 

I worked throughout most of my pregnancy and kept busy with projects on the house, and kept up with pregnancy-related things. I read all the books and did all the research. I bought all the stuff. I stayed active. I cared for our pets. I studied for licensure exams. I managed contractors and supervised their work on our house. I continued seeing clients, but I finally had to let the job go, as it was the aspect of my life serving me the least at that time (and it was a physical risk during pregnancy, AND they couldn't offer maternity leave). I'm extremely lucky that my hubby's income can reasonably support us in this economy. But, I can't wait to start seeing clients privately in the coming months--to build a new normal where I can do what I love, contribute more financially, and still be a mindful Mama. 

Jake. Jacob Robert Meyer. He is the best thing. The sweetest and most lovable little being. Today is his three month birthday, and I am head over heels in love with him. I'm so blessed to have the luxury of holding him, feeding him, and just drinking him in all day long (and often all night long!). 

New mamahood is a game changer and an ass-kicker. It's true that life as you know it changes when you have a kid--no more "me" time, no sleep, more stress, etc. I expected it, luckily. But my birthing experience was physically and emotionally traumatic, which I did not expect, and which complicated things. I'm working that out inside myself, and it's taking time. I think it made the first month or so with the baby much harder. I am finally getting some sleep, though, and feeling more--feeling rushes of interesting and sometimes delicious neurotransmitters and hormones that took some time to figure out. Some days I struggle, but I have enough of the good stuff to keep going. Watching my child nurse, sleep, smile and laugh really does make it all worth it.

It's ironic how much work it is, yet how much time you spend sitting as a new mom. Breastfeeding and helping baby get enough sleep take up SO much time and energy--physical and mental. I do have to remind myself to breathe, relax and stay in my body, stop resisting and just let go a million times a day--so that hasn't changed! Mindfulness is still the best coping skill I can think of, and it's so necessary on this new path.

There have been many nights where the baby nurses all night long (one time he literally nursed for 18 hours with only diaper change and fussing breaks--ouch.). The sitting can be crazymaking, not to mention painful. My body can feel so uncomfortable and antsy, at times it makes me want to cry. I have fantasized about everything other than what I was doing--I wanted to see my friends, go to a concert go get brunch, go to a movie, get drunk, get high, run, go rock climbing, swim in the ocean, travel to another country, or just leave the house and go for a walk in the snow. My body desperately wanted to MOVE or just escape. I still crave social interaction, I'm constantly hungry and thirsty, and my brain latches on to the wants like a drug. I've cried. I went through days in a fog that first month. I still catch myself wanting an escape...

Sitting--oh the sitting! The standing and rocking and swaying and jiggling and dancing too...but mostly, the SITTING... 

Sitting sometimes for hours and hours, holding this little fragile being as he cried and sucked at my sore nipples...it gave my brain a lot of time to run amok, or to fixate and obsess--or to stay. To stay present, fully alive, and fully with what IS. It can still be incredibly challenging even now that he is less fussy and sleeping a little, but I can say that mothering is, overall, an ass-kicking, invaluable lesson in mindfulness for me. So I choose to stay. I come back to presence as many times as I'm able, knowing the more present I am, the more securely attached and happier he will be. A hundred times a day I get to make the choice to stay present, and it's slowly getting easier with practice.  

I have no idea what this new life means for my writing, my career, or anything else, and in some ways it doesn't matter--today I will be Mommy and be present for my child. I will sit, and I will stay.