Before any positive transformation can happen--be it in our culture, community, family, love partnership, or inside our own brain and heart--we must first accept ourselves as we are, and then begin to discover our innate Self. This takes work, and it can be a lifetime project. Luckily, each moment is new and offers a fresh opportunity for Self discovery and hence, movement toward wholeness.
By "Self-discovery" and acceptance, I am not referring to individual likes and dislikes, or learning to like your body, or whether you are happy with your hair, skin, or level of intelligence. What I am referring to is Self with a capital S, also known as the "big" Self (vs. small self, or "ego"). It describes our innate nature when we are not conflicted or operating from our defenses. Richard Schwartz, PhD who has written extensively on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model found eight traits ("8 C's") that represent this holistic Self. These traits are the ones vital to functional living.
The 8 C's are calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. Take a moment to contemplate these traits. What are you like when you're in touch with them? What are you like when you lose sight of them in yourself? Are there any of them that you don't believe you have at all? (Trick question--because you have them all, if you're willing to discover them.)
Ok, I'm going to get theoretical for a minute. Have you heard of Martin Buber, the philosopher who came up with the idea of the I-Thou relationship? He thought that we as individuals ("I") are the center of our own worlds, but that we can generate true appreciation and respect for the entire reality of another person (seeing them as a "Thou"). Unfortunately, most of us have a hard time even conceiving of the "entire reality" of another person. We spend most of our time in relationships being frustrated because we are trying to change or control the other to fit our expectations, all the while unconscious that we are merely projecting our own reality onto them. Projection means we reject or deny a part of ourselves that we are unable to accept, and view that part as "other"--and that creates a distorted mirror through which we see ourselves and the world. By projecting any part of our own self, including our feelings, experiences, or desires, we make another person an "it" (meaning we can only see them as an extension of ourselves--the parts we can't yet own) instead of seeing them as a "Thou" (meaning our own Self is differentiated and can experience ourselves and others as whole separate beings).
We can never predict, know, or control another person if we see them as Thou, and that is scary for many people. We tend to want to "know" our partner fully, but even the desire to "know" everything is a grasping--a need for control, which ironically keeps us from being able to really experience (or truly love) the person. This is where power struggles in relationships happen--in the subconscious struggle for each partner's Self to differentiate from the Other and become whole. It happens in every relationship, and the trick is to get curious about the other person's unique Self while starting to get real about and take back our projections. Harville Hendrix, PhD (excellent author and couples therapist) would say that "real love" can't happen until we've faced these inevitable conflicts and power struggles, owned our projections, and come through into an I-Thou relationship--which involves a healthy sense of Self.
The Self is a process...not a static thing. It can help to look at it that way...as an activity instead of a thing. It is only discovered through contact with the world (see also figure/ground and organism-in-environment if you're really into theory), and by having an I-Thou relationship with others. It recalls the idea of dialectical relationships again--the Self always tries to organize itself, while at the same time it's organized by its environment (which includes our relationships). When we operate from our defense mechanisms or relate mostly to our projections, we can't fully experience our Self, or fully experience anything else, and the dialectic becomes dysfunctional and distorted. With dysfunction, we lack clear internal awareness of our own needs, wants, and desires--we project them onto others. We also lack self-responsiveness (making good experiences and good contact for ourselves). When healthy, free-flowing contact (and thus, full human experience) is blocked and/or distorted by our defenses or projections, erroneous conclusions about oneself, other people, and the world are made and acted upon.
Organisms always strive for wholeness and function, from the cellular level on up. Humans are organisms, and I believe we have an innate wholeness (made of the 8 C's) that we can get in touch with--by first owning our projections, and then by learning to have basic trust in the true nature of other humans. Therefore, in a sense, when our thinking and behavior is dysfunctional, we aren't being fully human. When a cycle of experience (or the I-Thou relationship) is interrupted and there is "unfinished business", the development of the Self stagnates or regresses, and we can't see anything except what we project out. This means we can't differentiate and grow, and we tend to behave in ways that would keep those around us from differentiating and growing, too. We stay small and fragmented, our relationships with others cannot be authentic, and we continue to feel empty or dissatisfied. Unfortunately, this seems to be the basis for most human relationships at this point in history, which has for some time ingrained a cycle of dysfunctional individuals, groups, communities, and governments that cannot relate in healthy ways to each other, situations, or environments.
I see the place to begin changing all of that as inside ourselves. Many people can benefit from working through this process in counseling, or through mindfulness practices (preferably together!). I see the therapy relationship and mindfulness practice on many levels--one of those being the level of social activism. The ultimate aims of Gestalt therapy (which has pretty radical roots and continues to be a relevant theory about how to relate to others) are to assist the client in discovering or restoring his/her own natural ability to self-regulate as an organism, to teach people to have successful and fulfilling contact with others (environmental others), and to teach others how to accept and take responsibility for disowned aspects of oneself (internal others--or projections). In simpler terms, I aim to help my clients become more fully human, which I believe automatically radiates outwardly to have relational, environmental, and ultimately, political impacts. I thoroughly enjoy watching the lovely transformation that happens in individuals, couples, and families who are willing to do this work...which means sometimes putting myself out of business. I wish for a future society made up of so many healthy "Selves" that there is eventually no need for psychotherapy.
*P.S.--A multicultural perspective/aside: I realize that it is a privilege in this society that I am able to sit in a warm, comfortable environment sipping coffee and blogging about "owning projections" and living mindfully. It can come across as preachy and oversimplified, and I acknowledge that for many individuals, material circumstances and crises realistically trump any of this. It's interesting though-- having worked with families from so many diverse cultural and economic populations, it's amazing that individuals coming here from countries with comparatively little material wealth or luxury, and even from crisis-ridden environments, seem to be inherently more in touch with the 8 C's of the Self...I'd love to hear thoughts on this.
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